Hey Everyone!
I’ve had the opportunity to ask several people to share their thoughts on their Long Distance Relationships (LDR).
*Background info: Ages: 23-31, male and female, 2/3 are still with their current partner*
Here are the questions that were provided for the interviewees:
How did you enter into the long distance relationship? (Did u know up front it would be long distance)? Dating since high school (for about 5 years).
Were you more apt to cheat because of the distance?
What were the biggest challenge(s) you faced with dating long distance?
How often did you spend time together?
What would your advice be for others considering, or are currently dating long distance?
Interview #1:
We met through a mutual friend. Originally, we lived in the same city. Then after 2 years, I left for grad school. We decided to take a short break, due to being unable to get on the same page. A month or so after that time, we got back together. It wasn’t that much longer when my boyfriend took a job overseas!! We couldn’t catch a break!
I was definitely open to it after some time had passed, due to being so lonely. I even hung out with more people as a result. I never acted on my feelings of loneliness, but it did frequently cross my mind.
Our communication relied more and more on emailing one another. Our Skype dates faded away as well. Our schedule was contingent on his availability, due to him being overseas. When we did get a chance to speak on the phone, I felt like my feelings were not acknowledged, because he was super busy. His mind was elsewhere, and I was not able to share my experiences with him about what took place throughout the day. Like what grade I received on projects.
We got to see one another 2-3x/month on weekends. He had an extended weekend off from his job, prior to going overseas. I was busy with school during the week, so this worked well. It wasn’t until he took another job (overseas) when things changed. Advice: Unless you’re married, or seriously committed to the other person, don’t do it!! Life is short. Why spend your time pining over someone you aren’t sure you want to be with? You have to figure out the next step in your relationship. Are there plans to relocate within the same city? Make sure this is a discussion you have early on and frequently.
Interview #2:
We met while I was on vacation so we knew it would be a long distance relationship from the beginning. I wasn’t tempted to cheat because of the distance. Finding time to dedicate to one another and communicate, since most disagreements happened via phone call, it’s hard to actually communicate your feelings and have a discussion. Physically, we were together about 1 week for every couple months…it varied as the relationship went on because we moved closer and further away. So, the distance determined how often we saw each other.
Advice: I would suggest staying away from long distance relationships unless there was a relationship that existed before it became long distance…I don’t think long distance relationships that start out long distance have much of a foundation to build upon. For those currently in a long distance relationship, I’d say be as flexible with your partner as possible and understand that it will be a challenge. For those considering it, I suggest you thoroughly evaluate the strength of your relationship because the distance will only make things more difficult.
Interview#3:
We were originally living in the same city. About 2 years after dating, my boyfriend made the decision to relocate to live with parents in another city. I have often considered cheating. We weren’t friends first, and the move was stupid to me, and out of nowhere. I had the mindset that we could pretend we were together when he visited me, but when he was gone, I felt I was single. This relationship was challenging, because we didn’t have a long-term game plan. We didn’t have plans to live in the same city. There was no end goal, and we never discussed this. We had different goals on what we wanted out of life. He was going back to school, and I was working full-time. A true future goal could not be established.
Our communication remained hit or miss. Honestly at this point, I was not as concerned as I should be. I didn’t have a strong emotional connection with him. I admit that I did resent him for moving. He visited a few times per week. But, I didn’t feel a strong desire to be with him, because I had one foot out the door. Plus, he was inconstant with coming to see me, so this didn’t help us at all. Advice: if you know in your heart that you don’t care about the other person, take this as a sign from God. I unfortunately didn’t listen. I kept this relationship going, when it should have ended a long time ago.
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Tiffany: a 20 something year old female, eager to share her thoughts!
Do you think that women experience difficulty with supporting/having positive thoughts of one another?
I have been fortunate enough to have limited experiences with unsupportive women. However, I do feel that this does exist as I have had a few run-ins where either women or myself were catty to one another for some reason or another. I think it’s hard for some women to see other women succeed, especially when they feel that they are equally as deserving (if not more) of that same success or perceived happiness.
What do you think is the main reason why many women have been unable to form genuine and long-term relationships with one another?
I call it the “Mean Girl” syndrome and I believe it’s caused by immaturity and insecurity. In general, I feel that insecure people (not just women) are intimidated by other people who may have things that they lack. In some cases, it’s hard for women to establish and maintain genuine relationships because of these negative personal issues they may be dealing with. I also think the media has played into this woman vs. woman war. Think about it, there are about 10 – 15 well-known reality shows that star and cater to our demographic (young women ages 18-40).
How many of these are positive reinforcements of women empowerment? While some shows have glimpses of women supporting each other, the overall message is that women are against each other, and not able to maintain stable and positive friendships with other women. What you consume is what you eventually project. If all you see every day is women fighting women, women ending friendships and being catty and petty, it’s only a matter of time before you start to take on that mindset whether you realize it or not.
Do you think that you have trouble with being supportive/being non-judgmental most of the time to other women?
To be honest, I don’t think I have an issue with being supportive of anyone, especially women. I’m completely about Girl Power, I LOVE seeing women uplifting and inspiring other women. There is so much for all of us to learn from one another so it’s saddening when we do the opposite. Now, on the flip side, I feel like I am quick to give a side eye and I know I am judgmental even though I try not to be. It’s unfair, but it is something that I understand is a human trait.
What would be your advice to other women to help address this issue?
I think that understanding ourselves and exploring our own insecurities are the first steps to addressing this issue. No one is perfect, and the more we realize this within ourselves, I feel we can be less judgmental. It also helps us to accept one another for who we are. This will in turn help us to nurture positive friendships and we can truly be supportive.
Response from Ms. Anonymous: a 30 something year old female, who agrees this is a problem!
Do you think that women experience difficulty with supporting/having many positive thoughts of one another?
I guess it depends on the relationship. I wouldn’t just support a random stranger. If I felt some kind of connection to the individual, then yes I would support. But not just a random stranger.
What do you think is the main reason why many women have been unable to form genuine and long-term relationships with one another?
I do believe this is a problem for women. Women are in constant, subconscious competition with one another (financial, romantic, beauty, etc). Especially if there’s a differences in classes or social status. I think a woman is more likely to “hate on” another woman if she feels less than. “She thinks she’s cute” comes to mind. I face this problem at work. I’m a similar age to those I work with. Most of the women don’t like me! They feel that I think I’m better than them. But they do not respond to men in the same way.
Do you think that you have trouble with being supportive/being non-judgmental most of the time to other women?
As far as friendships, I think it’s hard because….um….it may be hard to find women who are the “same” or similar lifestyles/interests. There’s a formula to friendship that has to be just right in order for friendships between women to be successful. Just being introspective, all of my friends are either childhood friends or other career driven women. I tend to prefer my career driven friends over my childhood ones. One friend I’ve known for many years. When she had kids and I didn’t we drifted apart. We didn’t have similar interests and we couldn’t connect like we used to. I have another friend who is slightly older with kids. We were friends before I had any children, and hung out when she had free time. We connected on a professional level. And now I have kids and we connect on that too. Another friend of mine is also slightly older with a kid. Not career driven. Different interests than me. I tried and couldn’t maintain a successful friendship. So yeah, the formula has to be just right in order for friendships to work…for me anyways.
What do you think is the main reason why many women have been unable to form genuine and long-term relationships with one another?
For me it was easier to supper once I became secure with who I am. I know who I am and what I want out of life. So it’s easier for me to support other women…as long as they aren’t trying to knock me off my path. I kind of see things differently now. I see that all women are just trying to do the best they can for themselves and/or family. I guess it comes with confidence. Other than my tummy (ugh) and natural hair edges, this is the most genuinely confident I’ve ever been. So I don’t see other women as a threat.
Previosuly on Relationships…
Results from the interview on Dating vs Friendship first:
Interview #1).
We were not friends first before deciding to date exclusively. We knew of one another through school, but never spent one on one time together. After reconnecting years later, we exchanged contact info. During this time we went on group dates, and on some dates alone. But these outings were always considered “dates”. We were dating for 3 months before becoming exclusive. Immediately we established boundaries with our “label”, and agreed not to see other people. Upon reconnecting after school, we knew that we had something special. We quickly learned to become friends, build trust, and security in our relationship. Advice to others: being friends first is not mandatory. I would recommend getting to know one another before becoming exclusive. So many people jump into dating and marriage while still in the honeymoon stage, without being fully aware of who the other person is and being comfortable enough to be yourselves.
Interview 2).
We were not friends before dating. We were both just physically attracted to one another. His friend attempted to get my attention first, but I didn’t appreciate him saying “yo” to get my attention. We never actually discussed dating exclusively. One day he started introducing me to his friends as his “girlfriend”. This happened within 2 weeks of dating (going to dinner, movies, spending time with one another at home). I believe that not being friends first negatively impacted our relationship. The more time I spent wit him, the more I felt like a “prized pig”. I was more of a show piece. Advice to others: Friendships are definitely mandatory. I felt more comfortable with moving on once our relationship ended. In the past, I also felt more at ease with communicating when there was a friendship established before dating.
Interview 3).
I’ve only been friends first on one occasion in my relationships. In regards to my current relationship status, we chose to date immediately. The only difference I’ve noticed is that being comfortable with the other person comes much sooner when you’re friends first. Building trust just takes more time when you make the decision to date first. So many people are deciding to use online dating now, and their relationships are not instantly impacted negatively. Advice to others: It’s a process of getting to know one another. Friendship will come whether or not you start dating instantly or not.
Your input is important!! As promised, I will always include REAL stories to help make these perspectives as authentic as possible. I appreciate your feedback! Leave some ideas below for furue interviews that you would like to see on this blog.
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Be Free 2 Love 
Feeding the little one has become a bit of a nightmare!!! He won’t eat ANYTHING without a fight. So I’m taking your advice and trying something new. Daniel tiger is a regular during dinner time as my son eats best while watching short videos. But that (hopefully) ends today! I’ve created a menu of new foods to try and we’re saying goodbye to the tiger. Wish me luck!
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Hey Sammy! I can only imagine how peaceful dinner time can be with the help of Daniel Tiger. I don’t want you to jump right in with these changes, then give up prematurely when things get tough. Try making these changes gradually…then see how the little one responds to QT with you. Keep me posted on what happens!
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