Qualities In A Mate//Fix My Relationship

Morning Cyber Family!

How often do you consider your values/standards when considering a mate?  Is this a no negation type of situation?

Sometimes we can’t help who we’ve grown attached to. Maybe this person completely took us by surprise, and now we are left with a list of qualities that we believed we needed in a potential mate, but isn’t as necessary as once before.

I strongly believe that it’s important to have an idea of what you’re looking for. You need to be comfortable enough to know what you’d be willing to put up with. Even if you’re new to dating and haven’t figured out the specifics yet…you can eventually decide then what comprises you are willing to make for love.

I normally live a pretty structured life. What I mean is that I have an idea of how my weeks will look like. This helps keeps me grounded. Relationship wise, I could not be happier. The both of us had general standards that we used to make the decision of whether or not we’d even be interested in one another long-term. Initially, we had similar plans for the future, enjoyed one another’s company, and were and continue to provide support, love, and laughter for one another.

In honor of the Fix My Relationship series, a few people were able to provide me with some feedback on what it is they look for when considering entering into a new relationship.

Here’s the results from the mini interview I completed with those willing bodies. 

In my mate, I am looking for someone who is…

*God fearing, secure (don’t want nobody that’s not confident in themselves), comfortable to be around, funny, intelligent, goal oriented, and attractive.

*1.Intelligent (and by that I really mean insightful ) 2. Beautiful 3. Moral 4. Loves black people and culture. The 4th things is important because I may make personal/ career sacrifices to help black folk, and I would need a significant other who was cool with that.

*God-fearing, family oriented, has good morals, a job/career (LoL), has goals set for himself, someone who has a sense of humor! Someone who is spontaneous! Someone that I know can help me grow as a Christian! Someone I can talk to and confide in…The list can go on and on lol!!

*I would like for my mate to be supportive, trusting and family oriented with an ambitious never settle attitude. I’m a guy who wants to build an empire.

*Believes in God, well-mannered, smart and intelligent, has goals, respectful, humorous, handsome, well-kept (dresses nice).

*Takes a while to figure out the right formula. After a lot of trial and error…I think I have a pretty good list. I look for someone who on the same page with education and career goals. I look for someone who is intrinsically motivated to succeed not just get by. I look for someone who treats me well and makes me laugh. Someone who I can bet self around. If I’m not comfortable enough for you to see me without mascara and wearing a headcap…you’re not the one lol! I’m looking for someone who I can have a conversation with, not just a physical relationship. Someone who has similar interests and family desires. Preferably someone who is physically fit. Race doesn’t matter.

How likely are you to stand by your ideal qualities in a mate?

Did your current mate match your pre-determined list?

~FreeBryd

Image: http://www.wikihow.com/

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Building Relationships//Research Results

In an earlier post, I wrote about finding ways that women could improve their relationships with one another.  If you missed that post, click here to read more about it.

In a nutshell, I’ve realized that it is not often that women can come together to mingle, without the sole purpose being on family.  For example, men typically use sports as a way to connect.  Usually they can meet at a number of local spots, and bond over this experience together…I want the same for women.

Today, I wanted to post the results for those of you who are interested in finding new ways of networking with other women.

women

Here are the questions that I posted earlier to help me obtain this information:

  1. What is currently available to women where they can go to mingle and network (places, activities to complete together)?
  2. Of these places, what is the primary focus (family/relationship/work oriented, etc.)?
  3. What would you like to see women do together, if there are currently no places that meet your needs/expectations on networking with other women?

From Blogger: Ladycamecu

1).Places women tend to go to socialize tend to exclude men like shopping or are centered around things that they are doing with other moms or something like play dates. In my experience I tend to go wine and design classes, dinner dates, find fun races (adventure races) or cheap groupon activities that are new to do together like bowling, spa dates and the like.
2). We talk about small talk to get it out of the way but then we like to focus on each other’s goals, future plans, fun, and how to make those moves. We also like to talk about health and how to change it and relationships are a biggie as I am a counselor but we are in our own right so I’m sure that is a big one for all of us).
3). I would like to see women do more physical activity together, I do not see that as much as I should. I see some walking, but there are other activities that can be fun such as ropes courses, team sports (even casually), mental games like escape houses, photography classes (confidence building) or pole fitness (fun, fitness, and confidence building) etc…

From Blogger: Sammy

1 and 2- the spa, nail shop, beauty salon, SEPHORA!!! I can only think of places for grooming.
3-I’m thinking these places are great for women. But I usually am flying solo or hanging with my friends. These are not really places that women go for socializing with strangers. If these places had lady’s special or nights, they may draw in larger quantities of women and this may result in socializing among women.

From Blogger: Nena

1)I started a Ladies Night that we do each month with some close lady friends of mine. To give you an idea we have:

~Gone to a local restaurant that offered a ladies night deal
~Done a Paint Night where we go to a local restaurant or bar to do some guided painting:)
~Celebrated birthdays at one of our homes and made high-heeled cupcakes we saw on Pinterest and played board games

2) We usually like to just have some fun together since we rarely hang out with just the women. We use it as our time to just relax and get away from the regular routine.

3) I agree with ladycamecu about having more physical activities to do together…for women only. Like having a Ladies Mud Run. Dance classes (like belly dancing) and in the continuing education seminars for my professions.

From Blogger: Daisy

My friends and I did plenty of the typical activities, pedicures, shopping, bars, and restaurants. We talked about going to an art class but it never worked out with our schedules. As I’ve tried to transition into a more active lifestyle and make some changes I try to plan more outdoor activities like hiking or even just a walk. I’d like to try some cooking classes and more active activities like belly dancing. Fun activities that help with my change to a healthier lifestyle.

From Blogger: EGOTist

  1. I’ve been to brunches, game nights, writing sessions, birthday parties, and toy and make-up parties. I feel like most of the networking and hang-out sessions I’ve been to have been organized by women and targeted exclusively to them. Meet-Up is a great way to connect and I’ve been to some interesting events through them. I also find that salons (hair and nail) and waiting rooms are great places to have some amazing discussions. Happy hours are also great places to strike up conversations with other women.
  2. I think the focus depends on where you are and who you’re with. Conversations I have are usually very fluid in their topics especially when you have a mix of women from different backgrounds.
  3. I always like to see more work/business related networking events and I’d like to see more mentoring opportunities and open discussions about sexual and mental health.

Recently, my friends and I have been trying to meet up at least twice per month to have a ladies night out.  Nothing is off the table…lol.  Later this week, I already have plans to meet up with some lady friends for dinner, and to catch up on life.  I am really looking forward to this night! I have also been meaning to start a book club, as well as a bi-weekly potluck, where we can alternate whose house we will be hosting at.

If you have any ideas that could help add to this current list (many ideas gained from other interviewees were already on this list, please provide some feedback for yours truly! 🙂

~FreeBryd

Fix My Relationship Friday’s//Vol.1~Cont’d

Hey All!

Here is the second round of interviews from today’s Fix My Relationship series…

Click here to read the previous post/interviews, if you missed this earlier.

Interview#1

He relocated for college a few years before me, and I joined him. Higher education was necessary for him.  He went to grad school.  I also moved to another state to begin college.  I was never unfaithful. But I was fearful that he would cheat on me, because we weren’t together. Trust was our biggest challenge. I knew in my heart that he was probably unfaithful, but I still ignored this gut feeling because I loved him so much. We did not physically see one another often, but we would always be communicating. We Skyped, texted, and spoke on the phone very frequently.  We were able to visit one another once every 2 months if we were lucky. 

Advice: Our relationship was built on a solid foundation of friendship, so that kept me going. If you truly care about the person, then do whatever it takes to make this work.

Interview #2 Shana (wanted a shout out lol)

We knew one another for a few months before entering into a long distance relationship.  I went away for school briefly, while in this relationship. I didn’t know what I was doing.  I came back home after the first semester away, because I missed him.  I was in a bad mind-set at that time. I probably would have stayed away at school longer if I wasn’t dating him. I have never, and will never cheat on anyone.  I’m in it for the long haul.  I do what I can to try to make my relationships work, because this is what I want. I would rather end the relationship than cheat.  The biggest challenge, was not seeing one another often. It is very hard to develop something more if you don’t see them.  

You also need to know how they are in person, and this may be less likely to happen with long distance.  Sex isn’t my top priority. I’m more concerned about learning how to resolve our issues.  What happens if we disagree? This is something that we had to constantly work on. It was harder to talk on the phone about these disagreements. We spoke constantly via video chat, even though it kept freezing lol.  We visited one another once that month, and were still getting to know each other.

Advice: Compromise!! Make sure they’re worth it (good convos, do we argue, willing to see one another). Google “advice” on long distance relationship for tips, to help make the most of the time you have with one another. Make it fun!! Video chatting is a must. People are afraid to take risks…but, step out on faith.  New experiences make your life better. If you’re unhappy, then you need to move on, and that’s still ok.  People are also afraid to be by themselves…and unfortunatley they jump into any relationship. Work on yourself when you have that time away from your significant other, until you are able to be together again.

Interview #3:

Long distance relationships are tough. When I first got into my relationship 13 years ago it was long distance. He was in college away and I was home. We knew it would be long distance to start and it actually made us stronger being away. When we would see one another we rarely argued since we were so happy to be spending time together. We usually saw each other once a month for the first year of our relationship. We have had moments where our relationship was long distance again but for shorter periods between 2-4 months. Neither of us were tempted to cheat during our long distance period and I think that is largely due to missing one another and having great times when we could be together.

I will say that long distance is very hard, but feasible and sometimes can make your relationship stronger. As they say absence makes the heart grow fonder! It can also harm the relationship because you get used to always having great moments that when you see one another daily the smaller arguments get frustrating because you think back to when you didn’t argue, because all your time was spent doing fun things.

Advice: Be clear about your expectations. Dating long distance also sets expectations that when you are long distance, when you do spend time together you tend to have sex more during that short visit that normally wouldn’t occur if spending time daily with one another. All in all it can work if both parties want it to.

*End of Interviews*


Thanks for joining me today!  Doors are open for feedback.  Would you date long distance? Have you ever experienced this?  Would you try this again? Please share your success, struggles, never look back stories and teachable moments for others…Let’s talk about it!

~FreeBryd