Category Archives: Fix My Relationship Series

Qualities In A Mate//Fix My Relationship

Morning Cyber Family!

How often do you consider your values/standards when considering a mate?  Is this a no negation type of situation?

Sometimes we can’t help who we’ve grown attached to. Maybe this person completely took us by surprise, and now we are left with a list of qualities that we believed we needed in a potential mate, but isn’t as necessary as once before.

I strongly believe that it’s important to have an idea of what you’re looking for. You need to be comfortable enough to know what you’d be willing to put up with. Even if you’re new to dating and haven’t figured out the specifics yet…you can eventually decide then what comprises you are willing to make for love.

I normally live a pretty structured life. What I mean is that I have an idea of how my weeks will look like. This helps keeps me grounded. Relationship wise, I could not be happier. The both of us had general standards that we used to make the decision of whether or not we’d even be interested in one another long-term. Initially, we had similar plans for the future, enjoyed one another’s company, and were and continue to provide support, love, and laughter for one another.

In honor of the Fix My Relationship series, a few people were able to provide me with some feedback on what it is they look for when considering entering into a new relationship.

Here’s the results from the mini interview I completed with those willing bodies. 

In my mate, I am looking for someone who is…

*God fearing, secure (don’t want nobody that’s not confident in themselves), comfortable to be around, funny, intelligent, goal oriented, and attractive.

*1.Intelligent (and by that I really mean insightful ) 2. Beautiful 3. Moral 4. Loves black people and culture. The 4th things is important because I may make personal/ career sacrifices to help black folk, and I would need a significant other who was cool with that.

*God-fearing, family oriented, has good morals, a job/career (LoL), has goals set for himself, someone who has a sense of humor! Someone who is spontaneous! Someone that I know can help me grow as a Christian! Someone I can talk to and confide in…The list can go on and on lol!!

*I would like for my mate to be supportive, trusting and family oriented with an ambitious never settle attitude. I’m a guy who wants to build an empire.

*Believes in God, well-mannered, smart and intelligent, has goals, respectful, humorous, handsome, well-kept (dresses nice).

*Takes a while to figure out the right formula. After a lot of trial and error…I think I have a pretty good list. I look for someone who on the same page with education and career goals. I look for someone who is intrinsically motivated to succeed not just get by. I look for someone who treats me well and makes me laugh. Someone who I can bet self around. If I’m not comfortable enough for you to see me without mascara and wearing a headcap…you’re not the one lol! I’m looking for someone who I can have a conversation with, not just a physical relationship. Someone who has similar interests and family desires. Preferably someone who is physically fit. Race doesn’t matter.

How likely are you to stand by your ideal qualities in a mate?

Did your current mate match your pre-determined list?

~FreeBryd

Image: http://www.wikihow.com/

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Fix My Relationship Friday’s//Vol.1~Cont’d

Hey All!

Here is the second round of interviews from today’s Fix My Relationship series…

Click here to read the previous post/interviews, if you missed this earlier.

Interview#1

He relocated for college a few years before me, and I joined him. Higher education was necessary for him.  He went to grad school.  I also moved to another state to begin college.  I was never unfaithful. But I was fearful that he would cheat on me, because we weren’t together. Trust was our biggest challenge. I knew in my heart that he was probably unfaithful, but I still ignored this gut feeling because I loved him so much. We did not physically see one another often, but we would always be communicating. We Skyped, texted, and spoke on the phone very frequently.  We were able to visit one another once every 2 months if we were lucky. 

Advice: Our relationship was built on a solid foundation of friendship, so that kept me going. If you truly care about the person, then do whatever it takes to make this work.

Interview #2 Shana (wanted a shout out lol)

We knew one another for a few months before entering into a long distance relationship.  I went away for school briefly, while in this relationship. I didn’t know what I was doing.  I came back home after the first semester away, because I missed him.  I was in a bad mind-set at that time. I probably would have stayed away at school longer if I wasn’t dating him. I have never, and will never cheat on anyone.  I’m in it for the long haul.  I do what I can to try to make my relationships work, because this is what I want. I would rather end the relationship than cheat.  The biggest challenge, was not seeing one another often. It is very hard to develop something more if you don’t see them.  

You also need to know how they are in person, and this may be less likely to happen with long distance.  Sex isn’t my top priority. I’m more concerned about learning how to resolve our issues.  What happens if we disagree? This is something that we had to constantly work on. It was harder to talk on the phone about these disagreements. We spoke constantly via video chat, even though it kept freezing lol.  We visited one another once that month, and were still getting to know each other.

Advice: Compromise!! Make sure they’re worth it (good convos, do we argue, willing to see one another). Google “advice” on long distance relationship for tips, to help make the most of the time you have with one another. Make it fun!! Video chatting is a must. People are afraid to take risks…but, step out on faith.  New experiences make your life better. If you’re unhappy, then you need to move on, and that’s still ok.  People are also afraid to be by themselves…and unfortunatley they jump into any relationship. Work on yourself when you have that time away from your significant other, until you are able to be together again.

Interview #3:

Long distance relationships are tough. When I first got into my relationship 13 years ago it was long distance. He was in college away and I was home. We knew it would be long distance to start and it actually made us stronger being away. When we would see one another we rarely argued since we were so happy to be spending time together. We usually saw each other once a month for the first year of our relationship. We have had moments where our relationship was long distance again but for shorter periods between 2-4 months. Neither of us were tempted to cheat during our long distance period and I think that is largely due to missing one another and having great times when we could be together.

I will say that long distance is very hard, but feasible and sometimes can make your relationship stronger. As they say absence makes the heart grow fonder! It can also harm the relationship because you get used to always having great moments that when you see one another daily the smaller arguments get frustrating because you think back to when you didn’t argue, because all your time was spent doing fun things.

Advice: Be clear about your expectations. Dating long distance also sets expectations that when you are long distance, when you do spend time together you tend to have sex more during that short visit that normally wouldn’t occur if spending time daily with one another. All in all it can work if both parties want it to.

*End of Interviews*


Thanks for joining me today!  Doors are open for feedback.  Would you date long distance? Have you ever experienced this?  Would you try this again? Please share your success, struggles, never look back stories and teachable moments for others…Let’s talk about it!

~FreeBryd

Fix My Relationship Friday’s//Vol.1

Hey Everyone!

Thanks for joining me on the first official Fix My Relationship Friday series!! I’ve had the opportunity to ask several people to share their thoughts on their Long Distance Relationships (LDR).

Why this topic?  

This is just one of many topics that we will discus on this new series.  I also have more than a handful of friends, and even more family members who have experienced this as well. More and more people are deciding to try making their relationships work the long distance.

This is something that I can testify to as well.  Doing the whole long distance thing and all…is extremely challenging!! I was committed to a LDR for over 2 years.  There were long and lonely weeks, plenty of arguments, and frequent Skype dates. But, I knew I was with the right person.  If both are willing to put in the extra work (this is a must!), then both parties can grow in ways that you can’t even imagine.

Considering dating long distance?  Maybe you’re facing your own challenges on this very subject.  My hope is that you will gain a new perspective from the interviewees who have shared their story with you today…Enjoy!

*Background info: Ages: 23-31, male and female, 2/4 are still with their current partner*

Here are the questions that were provided for the interviewees:

  • How did you enter into the long distance relationship? (Did u know up front it would be long distance)? Dating since high school (for about 5 years).
  • Were you more apt to cheat because of the distance?

  • What were the biggest challenge(s) you faced with dating long distance?
  • How often did you spend time together?

  • What would your advice be for others considering, or are currently dating long distance?

Interview #1: 

We met through a mutual friend.  Originally, we lived in the same city. Then after 2 years, I left for grad school.  We decided to take a short break, due to being unable to get on the same page.  A month or so after that time, we got back together.  It wasn’t that much longer when my boyfriend took a job overseas!!  We couldn’t catch a break!  

I was definitely open to it after some time had passed, due to being so lonely. I even hung out with more people as a result. I never acted on my feelings of loneliness, but it did frequently cross my mind.

Our communication relied more and more on emailing one another. Our Skype dates faded away as well.  Our schedule was contingent on his availability, due to him being overseas. When we did get a chance to speak on the phone, I felt like my feelings were not acknowledged, because he was super busy.  His mind was elsewhere, and I was not able to share my experiences with him about what took place throughout the day. Like what grade I received on projects.  

We got to see one another 2-3x/month on weekends.  He had an extended weekend off from his job, prior to going overseas.  I was busy with school during the week, so this worked well. It wasn’t until he took another job (overseas) when things changed.  Advice: Unless you’re married, or seriously committed to the other person, don’t do it!!  Life is short.  Why spend your time pining over someone you aren’t sure you want to be with? You have to figure out the next step in your relationship.  Are there plans to relocate within the same city? Make sure this is a discussion you have early on and frequently.

Interview #2:

We met while I was on vacation so we knew it would be a long distance relationship from the beginning. I wasn’t tempted to cheat because of the distance. Finding time to dedicate to one another and communicate, since most disagreements happened via phone call, it’s hard to actually communicate your feelings and have a discussion. Physically, we were together about 1 week for every couple months…it varied as the relationship went on because we moved closer and further away. So, the distance determined how often we saw each other.

Advice: I would suggest staying away from long distance relationships unless there was a relationship that existed before it became long distance…I don’t think long distance relationships that start out long distance have much of a foundation to build upon.  For those currently in a long distance relationship, I’d say be as flexible with your partner as possible and understand that it will be a challenge.  For those considering it, I suggest you thoroughly evaluate the strength of your relationship because the distance will only make things more difficult.

Interview#3:

We were originally living in the same city.  About 2 years after dating, my boyfriend made the decision to relocate to live with parents in another city. I have often considered cheating.  We weren’t friends first, and the move was stupid to me, and out of nowhere.  I had the mindset that we could pretend we were together when he visited me, but when he was gone, I felt I was single.  This relationship was challenging, because we didn’t have a long-term game plan. We didn’t have plans to live in the same city.  There was no end goal, and we never discussed this.  We had different goals on what we wanted out of life.  He was going back to school, and I was working full-time.  A true future goal could not be established.  

Our communication remained hit or miss.  Honestly at this point, I was not as concerned as I should be.  I didn’t have a strong emotional connection with him.  I admit that I did resent him for moving.  He visited a few times per week.  But, I didn’t feel a strong desire to be with him, because I had one foot out the door. Plus, he was inconstant with coming to see me, so this didn’t help us at all. Advice: if you know in your heart that you don’t care about the other person, take this as a sign from God.  I unfortunately didn’t listen.  I kept this relationship going, when it should have ended a long time ago.

*End of First Round of Interviews*


Leave your comments below on which interview you can relate to, and any feedback for these lovely participants! I’ll be posting the second round of interviews later in the day.

Want me to share your story?? Email me here, or comment under the Relationships section at the top of the page.

Resources for YOU:

Loving From a Distance

20 Life Saving Tips

~XOXO

FreeBryd

TV for dinner…again?!

TV for dinner…again?

Dinner time certainly has its perks. You may have the opportunity of spending more time with loved ones, or possibly zone out after a long day at work. I want to encourage each of you to do something differently today, if you haven’t already tried the ideas listed in the discussion to below.

I’m guilty of allowing my TV to become a permanent guest at my dinner table. Today, I want to use my pm meal time for a different purpose, and improve my presence in my relationship. That means that the television is going off (sorry Jahmil). I want to become better about giving others my full attention, minus the distractions. I want to force myself to be more “present” with others during this intimate time. Even if I spend this time dining alone in the future (coordinating schedules can be a nightmare), I still want to try something new. Reflect on how my day has been, thank God for the meal in front of me, and just “be”. Very rarely do I take a breather. I’m normally on the go (physically or mentally), and planning for “what’s next”. So, I am looking to change that. I want to see new results in my over well-being, and in my relationships. This is where I plan to start.

Here are some helpful conversation starters for couples, friends, or co-workers sharing a meal:

http://michaelhyatt.com/how-to-have-better-dinner-conversations.html

Those of you with little ones can play a game at the dinner table (remember food fights are too messy). One game that could work is a guessing game. You could each take turns providing details of a person, place, or thing, and then take turns guessing at the identity.

Allow your meal time to be one way for you to become closer to your loved ones, or give yourself some much-needed self-care.

Just try it, and see what happens!

*Special thanks to Jahmil and Melicia for your input*