Woman 2 Women//Where is the Love?

/ Sharece Campbell, LMFT I Postpartum Doula
Let’s have an honest discussion friends!
I’ve been spending so much time trying to better myself, by learning to forgive, reminding myself to think more positively, etc.  With that being said, can you tell that I spend a great deal of time in my feelings lol?  A serious question parked itself in my overactive brain, until I decided to do more research into this.  I was able to reach out to a few of my followers, to gain their perspectives on why they believe many women are unable to from long-term and meaningful relationships with one another.
Where does this come from? Why?
I have always played around with this topic individually up until now.  I only brought up this sensitive topic, based solely from my recent encounters with other women.

Like I mentioned before, I followed up with my hypothesis by reaching out to other women.  I would love to have additional perspectives from men as well.  So, don’t be shy with sharing your thoughts on this discussion. Today, I have included two interviews with this blog post.  Here are the results.

Response from Tiffany: a 20 something year old female, eager to share her thoughts! 
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Do you think that women experience difficulty with supporting/having positive thoughts of one another? 

I have been fortunate enough to have limited experiences with unsupportive women.  However, I do feel that this does exist as I have had a few run-ins where either women or myself were catty to one another for some reason or another.  I think it’s hard for some women to see other women succeed, especially when they feel that they are equally as deserving (if not more) of that same success or perceived happiness.

What do you think is the main reason why many women have been unable to form genuine and long-term relationships with one another? 

 I call it the “Mean Girl” syndrome and I believe it’s caused by immaturity and insecurity. In general, I feel that insecure people (not just women) are intimidated by other people who may have things that they lack.  In some cases, it’s hard for women to establish and maintain genuine relationships because of these negative personal issues they may be dealing with.  I also think the media has played into this woman vs. woman war.  Think about it, there are about 10 – 15 well-known reality shows that star and cater to our demographic (young women ages 18-40).

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How many of these are positive reinforcements of women empowerment? While some shows have glimpses of women supporting each other, the overall message is that women are against each other, and not able to maintain stable and positive friendships with other women. What you consume is what you eventually project.  If all you see every day is women fighting women, women ending friendships and being catty and petty, it’s only a matter of time before you start to take on that mindset whether you realize it or not.

bravo-renews-housewives-o-c-and-othersDo you think that you have trouble with being supportive/being non-judgmental most of the time to other women? 

To be honest, I don’t think I have an issue with being supportive of anyone, especially women.  I’m completely about Girl Power, I LOVE seeing women uplifting and inspiring other women.  There is so much for all of us to learn from one another so it’s saddening when we do the opposite. Now, on the flip side, I feel like I am quick to give a side eye and I know I am judgmental even though I try not to be.  It’s unfair, but it is something that I understand is a human trait.

What would be your advice to other women to help address this issue?

I think that understanding ourselves and exploring our own insecurities are the first steps to addressing this issue. No one is perfect, and the more we realize this within ourselves, I feel we can be less judgmental. It also helps us to accept one another for who we are.  This will in turn help us to nurture positive friendships and we can truly be supportive.

Response from Ms. Anonymous: a 30 something year old female, who agrees this is a problem! 

Do you think that women experience difficulty with supporting/having many positive thoughts of one another? 
I guess it depends on the relationship. I wouldn’t just support a random stranger. If I felt some kind of connection to the individual, then yes I would support. But not just a random stranger.

What do you think is the main reason why many women have been unable to form genuine and long-term relationships with one another? 

I do believe this is a problem for women. Women are in constant, subconscious competition with one another (financial, romantic, beauty, etc). Especially if there’s a differences in classes or social status.   I think a woman is more likely to “hate on” another woman if she feels less than. “She thinks she’s cute” comes to mind. I face this problem at work. I’m a similar age to those I work with. Most of the women don’t like me! They feel that I think I’m better than them. But they do not respond to men in the same way.

Do you think that you have trouble with being supportive/being non-judgmental most of the time to other women?

As far as friendships, I think it’s hard because….um….it may be hard to find women who are the “same” or similar lifestyles/interests. There’s a formula to friendship that has to be just right in order for friendships between women to be successful. Just being introspective, all of my friends are either childhood friends or other career driven women. I tend to prefer my career driven friends over my childhood ones. One friend I’ve known for many years.  When she had kids and I didn’t we drifted apart. We didn’t have similar interests and we couldn’t connect like we used to. I have another friend who is slightly older with kids. We were friends before I had any children, and hung out when she had free time. We connected on a professional level. And now I have kids and we connect on that too.  Another friend of mine is also slightly older with a kid. Not career driven. Different interests than me. I tried and couldn’t maintain a successful friendship. So yeah, the formula has to be just right in order for friendships to work…for me anyways.
What do you think is the main reason why many women have been unable to form genuine and long-term relationships with one another? 
For me it was easier to supper once I became secure with who I am. I know who I am and what I want out of life. So it’s easier for me to support other women…as long as they aren’t trying to knock me off my path. I kind of see things differently now. I see that all women are just trying to do the best they can for themselves and/or family. I guess it comes with confidence. Other than my tummy (ugh) and natural hair edges, this is the most genuinely confident I’ve ever been. So I don’t see other women as a threat.
*End of Interviews*
My goal is to promote “girl power” as Tiffany suggested earlier.  I first have to believe things can get better, so I will.  I’ve had so many great experiences with getting to really know, love and value each of my friendships with other women. Those who I’ve known since playing house in elementary school, my siblings, my girls who first introduced me to club hopping, my goons who I’ve met in grad school, to those I’ve had the opportunity to spend time with in my adult life. I appreciate all of you! I realize that your circle becomes smaller as time goes on, and life takes you in unexpected directions.  I just wish that we were still able to remain open to meeting new people, without the pressure of believing that they won’t like you anyway, so don’t even bother.  Ok..this may be extreme, but sometimes I feel this way.  I can’t force someone to get to know me, but a girl can hope for a better tomorrow, and hope for change.
How many others are out there who share these views?  I’m also quick to place judgment onto others.  I have feared that my judgments have prevented me from getting to know some pretty amazing women. What am I doing to give off the vibe that I’m unapproachable?  Did I look at someone wrong?  Where is the Love?
Let me know what some of your experiences have been!
~XOXO
FreeBryd
A look at some of my lovelies ❤
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17 thoughts on “Woman 2 Women//Where is the Love?”

  1. This post is very good! I’m going to say that I think the media does have a part to play, but insecurity does also.

    I think women can form lasting friendships, but only if they start to genuinely feel more secure in themselves and what they have to offer…

    Which it very difficult in a world where the media constantly sexualizes and judges women on everything. Great post though! 😊

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    • Thank you! I do feel like it’s hard to compete with the media. It’s like the most media coverage want to do everything they can to prevent woman from uplifting one another. This is truly a shame, because many times women are in constant competition with one another. Personally, I know this is an area I need to continue working on. I too think that the media has done a number on me lol.

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  2. Love this! Great post, and your interviewees hit it on the head.

    Most of our (women’s) issues regarding the breakdown of love and support of other women comes from the narrative of competition. Apparently, there isn’t enough space for two women to occupy at once! **Eye roll** So we are ‘given’ small halls and a few chairs, instead of great big arenas where we can all get a seat. Remember that game, musical chairs? Like that! Just a lot less fun.

    Women are constantly being forced into situations where we are competing with each other, for jobs, partners, attention, success etc.

    When we were kiddies, we were encouraged to find solace and comfort in other girls. But there came a shift, and as adults we’re taught to separate from one another; to compete rather than compliment. Not to mention, as your post states, we are quick to judge each other.

    In order to be successful, we must distinguish ourselves from other females. We mustn’t exhibit any “girlie” traits, thus looking down on those women that are “girlie” a.k.a. weak. We must have the balls to hang with the big boys etc.

    I’ve explored this topic, and have had countless discussions with my friends and now young nieces regarding the changing dynamics of female friendships. As one of your interviewees stated, confidence in oneself is key. And knowledge of oneself will ultimately set us free from the idea of having to compete with one another.

    Sadly, as pre-teens, my nieces are already witnessing ‘the shift’. Competing for male attention being right up there on the list!

    Peace and love.x

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    • Your response was simply amazing! I loved your comparison to musical chairs, because this describes the current problem. I agree that as kids, girls focused on just being there for one another. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t seek to spend time with my close friends. There is already a shortage of accessible positions for women, and it disgusts me. No wonder why so many women compete with one another. Really sounds like we are forced into survival mode. Either you get the promotion, or the women sitting next to you, because opportunities are limited. I really believe that as women, we need to learn to love ourselves first. This is where confidence can develop, and we can genuinely learn not to discourage other women from being successful. I hope that you can continue having these discussions with your nieces. I have a niece myself, and I hope to encourage her to develop this confidence early on as well. Thanks again!

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      • No, thank you, honestly, for opening up this important topic that we as women have comfortably (or uncomfortably!) sat on for way too long. Hopefully, this will create a much needed discourse so there’s far less hatin’ and more connecting! Thanks again!x

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    • I agree. There’s this shift around middle school where this antiquated idea of female hierarchy is driven into our heads. Like if you’re not the woman on top (and there can only be 1) then you’re irrelevant. We’re also fed the “fact” that women can’t get along with other women from just about every angle of media. I had the pleasure of going to an all-girls high school so I got to see the truth of how women can create genuine friendships and support each other. Now did everyone get along? No but that’s not exclusive to women.
      Personally I find it easier to get along with women who are confident and comfortable with who they are. I can’t take being sniped at or torn down for being myself.

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      • I don’t know why so many of us believe that there can, and should only be one top women. With this distorted thinking, women will most definitely face challenges with genuinely supporting one another.
        I’m glad that you have great experiences where girls were able to stick it out together. I have a feeling you’ll continue to get snipped at by other women, if they aren’t confident and feeling secure about themselves. So sad, but true.

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      • I totally agree! And when that shift rears its head, as ugly as it is, we somehow are none the wiser! We set into our roles of competing with the next girl and question very little as to why. Only as we grow, do we begin to question. I went to an all girls school too, and it was bliss. Witnessing the comradery and sisterhood was beautiful. But admittedly, it only showed me that we only seem to get along in the absence of our need to survive and procreate! Yeah, I said it. Men! Lol. Very National Geographic, but sadly not as naturistic or as lovely.

        Rather, it’s a humanistic concept used to tear women apart from one another, setting the tone for adult years. The media plays heavy on this: the most beautiful, the slimmest, the sexiest, the one with the biggest breasts and butt etc. Women are constantly portrayed as goods for male consumption; all vying and clambering for male attention and approval, and it works.

        The only way to overcome this is for young girls to be confident and comfortable, as you mentioned. It’s the only way they (we) can get along.x

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Great topic. My life is immeasurably richer because of my close women friends. When I was younger, I was fortunate to have several large groups of female friends, first in high school, then in college. Then I married and went to grad school and dynamics changed. Women who were my peers became more competitive, understandably, and friendships just don’t flourish in a hostile environment. Once I had children I entered the competitive mommy world, you read that right, which shocked the hell out of me! Now throw into the the competitive church lady world and, well, I chose to hang out with my husband and kids because I enjoyed their company more and as a way to protect myself! Friendship, in the end, is about wanting good for each other. Amazingly, over the years a few gems found their way to me and me to them. We want good for each other and help each other get there. We’ve helped each other through relationship, work, health, and more problems. We’ve laughed and cried and cracked really bad jokes with each other. We’ve gone to each other’s parties, vacationed together, and talked until there were no more words to say. All of this takes time. It takes giving and receiving. It takes faith, hope, and love. And sometimes, friends need to go separate ways, and true friends do so wishing each other well. Thanks for the opportunity to share something close to my heart! And keep the faith in finding wonderful women friends throughout your life ❤

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    • Thank you for this beautiful response. This is most definitely a sensitive topic for me as well. I do agree with you that my life has been so much richer with the love and of the amazing women in my life. I remember having this same conversation with my significant other in the past. At times, I too have felt more comfortable with my family and significant other. But, I’ve also said that there is something so incredible about having a genuine group of women truly wanting the best for you. The fact that not many of us can set aside the competitive tendencies long enough to form a relationship is sad. When I think about the future, I long for experiences similar to yours. I want to maintain the strong relationships that I’ve had for years with these women, and be able to share stories and provide encouragement. I have realized that not everyone I meet will be in my life long-term. Thank you for your encouragement to continue finding wonderful women in my life.

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  5. Hi! Thank you so much for following my blog 🙂 It means the world to me! I read some of your posts and I like your blog too! I am looking forward to future posts and I am going to read my way through the other posts. Lots of interesting topics to think about!
    Have a wonderful day!
    xoxo
    Deniza

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  6. Amazing post! Another issue I have noticed personally is that when you do share the non-judgmental love towards another woman they often think you have a hidden agenda and label you as “fake”. Possibly because it is not something they are used to from another woman. We all have to be willing to simply get to know a person before we see if a lasting friendship would work out with them:)

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Thanks for sharing your thoughts!