A few days ago I was forced into a 5 week long-distance relationship! Ugh! My boyfriend has to do some traveling for work, and I won’t be able to see him in person until mid September. We’ve been together close to 4 years, and this is the longest amount of time that we have been away from one another.
The day he left was pretty overwhelming for me. I sat in bed just reflecting on our relationship. ALL I could think about during those moments were: If I only had 5 more minutes, I shouldn’t have been so mad at him last week, why didn’t I try to reconcile much sooner?
I played around with these questions in my head for quite some time. Needless to say, I was bummed for not taking more advantage of the time that we did have together. Neither of us are saints. So we do have our share of disagreements, screaming matches, and “I’m not talking to you” days. But, I admit that I have the not so favorable trait of holding a grudge.
Since I was in the position of honestly checking myself, I knew that I was the problem. I often ignore many attempts at forgiveness, all to “make a point”. As I sat there silently reflecting, none of those disagreements mattered. My biggest concern was that I’ve let so much valuable time past. Today, I am telling myself that it is perfectly normal to not always agree 100 % of the time with another person. In fact, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to avoid disagreements with others; especially loved ones WITH whom you’ll constantly interact. What does matter, is how you choose to come back together. Like I’ve mentioned, my best move was to ignore the attempts at moving forward, and would miss opportunities to be able to grow individually and as a couple from these experiences.
I want to learn how to forgive sooner than I have been able to do so in the past. For me, a small argument could end up spilling over into the next day…or maybe even the next after that. I’ve allowed my “anger” to keep me from interacting with someone who I care deeply about…and for what? I seriously asked myself: Aren’t you tired of wishing you did something more after the fact? Indeed I was. So, this changes ASAP.
Some thoughts to keep in mind for my current & future self:
1) Get it together, and do it quick!
~Write or reflect on what happened. Ask yourself: What do I need to see happen to
move on? Is this something that I can do personally? Why are you feeling this way?
2) Remember the love you share.
~Write or reflect on your happiness: Why we are together? Remember the countless
moments consisting of laughs and 100 % weirdness. Do the good times trump the
3) Check yourself for unnecessary negative thoughts that are keeping you from being
~Write or reflect on what you are telling yourself to “stay” mad:
What are you telling yourself that is keeping you from being able to forgive? I
sometimes think of the worst possible scenario
Do you want things to get better? Always!
What are you doing to keep this from happening now? Being comfortable with being
upset, and often avoiding communicating.
4) Come back together and stop being so dramatic…as I’ve heard before from others
~Apologize, break the ice (say something silly), talk about it, and move on!
I normally don’t share something so personal, and I’m not one to share such intimate details on social media. But, I wanted to do something to get me to take more accountability on following my own suggestions by documenting this. I’ve also learned recently from a close friend that opening up just a little bit more could actually lead you to help others. I don’t know who this post will reach, but I hope this helps.
9 thoughts on “Are you able to forgive?”
Hey Freebryd girl!!! I’m liking the realness of this post! Behavior is certainly learned. I say this because growing up, sorry and I forgive you didn’t exist. And they don’t now! If I have a problem, I write that person off. I’m done with them. Or I run. I don’t deal with them anymore. It could be a serious argument or a mere disagreement. It all affects me the same. So I’m basically leaving the disagreement open indefinitely. I actually think I have anxiety about the next encounter…which I do everything in my power to prevent. Sometimes it works itself out, or it’s been so long that the argument is just “over” . I realize this and want to change it. So I’ll try your simple steps and get back to you.
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Hi Sammy!! Thank you. I wanted to open up more. I realize that I can’t expect others to share so freely if I’m not willing to do the same. I feel like we are alike in the sense that I too sometimes ignore the “issue”. You’re right. Sometimes I do feel like if I wait long enough that the disagreement will be over. My reality is that it never ends, until I do something to move on. I have revisited many unsettled disagreements on many occassions, because I was still not ready to let it go/haven’t figured out how to address the issue yet. I hope that these steps help you, along with what naturally works best for you!
How do you get others to forgive? I want to apologize for something that wasn’t truly my fault, per se. It’s been in the back of my mind for months. I think I’m afraid of the response I will get. Help Freebryd lol!
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I guess there is no “right” way to get others to forgive. The reality is that the other person may not forgive you. Or maybe they have already. I believe that we create our own “fera” many times, becuase of the anticipation. I had to get over that myself. It seems like such a burden to keep this in!! Maybe write a letter to the person first, since you are still trying to work up to the actual concersation? In your letter you can add that you’d like to address this in person as well. I think what matters is that you will stop thinking about it…or maybe just a little less. Can you imagine how freeing that will be once you share your apology? I know you can do it! Hope this was helpful Sam!!
One thing i learned is that you should never go to be mad at someone…only give the feeling time to develop and mature into something major or that it was never meant to be. Always clear the air before seperaring or going to bed because when we hold back the only ppl we hurt are ourselves. A lot of ppl dpnt understand what true forgiveness is tho. There are three elements, one: you will not bring up the offense to the person, two: you will not bring up the offense to yourself and three: you will not bring up the offense to other people. This helps to show true forgivness and are steps to moving past the inital anger. But to be honest i still geel like something are unforgivable honestly and u def know what i am talking about (waffle fries….j/k. But for real i dont think i will ever truly and honsest forgive no matter how many times i tell myself to try. I will keep trying tho. Love the message and you. PEACE
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Hi Tevon! Thanks for being so honest! I love how you broke this down, because I believe this 100 %. If you say you’re ready to forgive, it’s hard to truly move on if you’re constantly bringing up the “issue” whenever you can. Whether this is with yourself or with others. If you say you want to forgive, then it will most def take some hard work, but you have to be willing to do so. If you’re not willing to let things go, then you should always be honest with that as well. I know that you have been. Some things are too difficult to forgive, I def agree. But, what about being able to get to a place where you do not allow those ill feelings to jeopardize your sanity and interactions with others? In the past it has taken me years to actually move past some things that have truly hurt me, but I can honestly say that I can acknowledge that and keep it moving now. No longer bringing this up, because I have no place for the negativity. Thanks for responding. Deuces!
Here is a reponse from an interview on forgiveness: I cannot recall too many big moments where I had to forgive. But your question makes me more aware how I often I may say or someone says to me “I’m sorry”. I honestly don’t really take a second thought when someone says that. Of course I forgive them, but my point is the term could be used lightly. This question opened my eyes to really mean it when I say it.
My response: The word sorry is def tossed around without a 2nd look. I’m including myself in that group lol. I realize that I apologize, but will still continue to do the same thing. For me, this meant that I wasn’t truly ready to change or own up to my wrong.
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I have a lot to learn about forgiveness. It’s such a huge part of everyone’s life. In my past experiences, the more I waited to confront a situation…the worse it grew. And the more I waited the more the negative emotions built up inside of me. Its such a toxic way to live…to let the love between you and someone else fade away because of something that could’ve been solved with a heartfelt talk and a hug. There were times where months and months had passed and everyday I’d let it sit on my heart without wanting to move on and without wanting to solve it. I need to learn from the stuff you’re pointing out. But how do we prevent these situations from happening again? Lol this topic was much needed thanks!!
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Wow!!! Thanks! If only many of us shared your thinking on how to solve their issues with forgiveness. My heart felt heavy reading this…just imagining you sitting with this pile of negative emotions for months. It seems so simple to work out our problems, but it’s the 1st step that really drags my feet. I honestly don’t think you can prevent a disagreement from happening. But you can most def pay more attn to how you respond and what msgs you tell yourself. For me, it’s normally my thoughts that keep me from forgiveness, and not the other person. Try coming right out with it, and worry about cleaning up the convo later. Have an idea of what you want to say 1st, then run with it. The more you wait and think about it, the more anxiety you may have with resolving it. Trust me, you’ll feel so much better to have more confidence in learning to forgive!